What’s going on? ⁰

by Kari Rose • General

I hate Christmas with a passion, partly because I’m not religious and it’s an overly hyped holiday where you are forced to pay a fortune on tacky gifts, and if your like me – in the hospitality trade – you can’t get the time off work because your busy hosting parties and catering for the local drunks. Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of a so-called perfect Christmas; snuggled around the fire with the family, drinking wine, having a massive festive feast, exchanging gifts, taking photographs with the silly paper hats on your head and gorging your body weight in chocolates. Unforutnately for me that never happens and this year is no different.

Unlike the vast majority of people out there, I don’t have an extended family. A quick fact is that my Dad isn’t my real Dad but since he’s brought me up from such a young age I do consider him one. However, his parents (would-be grandparents) don’t consider me his daughter per say, and thus I’m treated like I don’t exist. They know nothing about me and for the most part, that’s fine. On my Mum’s side, I have 2 aunties, 2 cousins and grandparents, again who treat me (and the rest of my family) like we don’t exist. An on-going drama has been going on but likewise, we are considered outcasts and not included in any family event. This year my brother and I received a gift from one of my aunts – the only one who isn’t really involved in the drama – and we didn’t even receive a card or a text message from our grand-parents or cousins wishing us a Merry Christmas. While I argue that it’s fine, deep down I’m still a bit upset.

On the run-up to Christmas I’ve been working really hard to ensure I had bought gifts for everyone who mattered in my life; parents, brother, partner, his parents and best friend. I also had two Secret Santa events that had a combined budget of £30. In total, I managed to spent approximately £500 of my hard-earned wages, keeping in mind that I’m still on minimal wage, not getting my gratuities and with winter being a quiet season, not many shifts. Presents were then wrapped accordingly and handed out on Christmas Day.

I woke up early to get ready for work and gave my present to my parents to open. They were delighted, gave me a hug and gave me permission to open my presents from them. I got a lot of surprises, my favourite being my Hello Kitty cosplay onesie suit and burlesque erotica. I watched as my brother opened his present from me, a brand new video-game, and tosses it to the side mumbling “thanks”. Two days later and my present to him has been shoved in a drawer, probably with little intention of being played.

I leave to work with a bag of presents for my best friend who opts to open them later. There follows a busy work shift of serving hungry customers their Christmas lunch, a delightful dose of bitching from people who can’t say stuff to my face, and after clocking out, it’s finally time for me.

Arriving at my partner’s house I discover he’s already opened his gifts and given my presents to his parents. No thanks was given, nor any gifts for myself. Understandable I got emotional, granted that I’ve put in so much effort to ensure everyone had a little something and I get nothing in return, not even a card.

I’ve tried to be a good friend/partner but I’ve ended up failing miserably. Nobody – besides my parents – appreaciated what I purchased for them and nobody was able to say thank-you instantly, it was only after I made a well justified Facebook rant that people started saying it. I’m not a selfish person, honestly, but when the supposid most important people in your life can’t make the effort, then you begin to question why you bother. I understand that some of my friends don’t have the money, but when they are going out drinking I can’t help but notice that yeah, they do have money, they’d just rather spend it on themselves than me.

Christmas has now passed and it no longer matters. Giving a guilt-gift after the event is pointless and I don’t expect nor want it. I’m just upset that people cannot give me the effort that I think, as a reliable, honest, dedicated, loving, caring, always-there-for-you friend deserves. Bottom line is, how hard is it to say “Thank-you”.

I’ve learned that being nice gets you nowhere and the saying is true; “nice guys finish last”. I look at some of the people I know and they are rude, ignorant and demanding and do you know what? They always get what they want. Me? I never ask for anything and because of that, I don’t get anything. I feel that if I was a complete bitch, manipulated people, didn’t come out unless people bought me drinks, demanded that people drove me from town to town at crazy-o’clock, etc, that life would be just grand and people would fall over backwards trying to please me.

The people of the Internet tell me not to change and to continue being myself but that’s not working for me too well. I’m just finding myself feeling isolated amongst those who are meant to be closest to me and feeling more alone than ever. I can’t give anymore, I’ve given everything I can but it’s not enough. What am I meant to do?

I had to walk 6 miles through the countryside at the early hours of this morning after a horrible work shift, in high winds and heavy rain wearing anything but a skirt and thin hoody because once again, I was let down. I can handle legit excuses, but when someone favours alcohol over friendship, then somethings just not right. This isn’t the first time, but it’s certainly going to be the last. I’m done.

Do you know what ran through my head as my feet bled on my stormy journey home in the pitch black, only guided by the shadows of the night? How I couldn’t let anyone down. My parents expected me home after I finished my shift and because of that I had to get home. Staying at my work with the rest of the drunks was not an option. At no point dare I phone for a lift because I couldn’t bear on being a burden on anyone. No taxis were available because it was the middle of the night so I braced the elements, carrying nothing but my dignity and independance on my hoody-soaked back. I made it home and didn’t let anyone down. The only person let down was me.

2012 is just around the corner and some things need to start changing. Either people start wising up or I join the band-wagon and turn into a complete prick. I’ve learned however, that I can’t rely and trust anyone but myself. I’m just so glad that Christmas is over and once the New Year celebrations are done, I can finally start moving on. 2012 will be the year that I finally move away from the hell-hole called Fife, away from the low-life scum, away from the bitchiness and the on-going drama. I’ll move to a place where nobody knows my name and if the saying is true; “good things come to those who wait”, maybe with some luck I’ll find some people who appreaciate me for who I am.