The Winter Blues ¹

by Kari Rose • General

The wind is currently howling through a gap in my window and I’m wrapped up in my duvet watching The Jeremy Kyle Show, something that’s become a norm for me. I have no motivation and recently have fallen into a depression regarding life, my job and my hope for man-kind. Perhaps it’s just the cold winter nights, the constant shade of grey or perhaps it’s just my messed up hormones.

Every day I find myself in the same played-out routine of walking to work in the darkness, in my tattered old hoody, clocking in, preparing for the session ahead of me and as I lean into the ice-machine to fill up the bucket, I find myself sighing. I love my job, kinda, well…. it’s one of those complicated things. I’m lucky that I have a job and I’m even more lucky to have the pleasure of working with my best friend. I’m good at what I do and although I carry an intimidating appearance, I try my best to get on with our customers. I put my blood, sweat and tears into my job, literally, but I feel I’m not progressing. It’s been 3 years and I’m still a waitress who can carry plates up her arms and writes down what customers want to eat and drink.

I don’t like letting anyone down, it’s not in my nature. I pretty much crawled to work when I had a fractured ankle, I’ve carried plates with a taped up finger, served customers with an infected eye and recently still attended work regardless of throwing up on the way because of a sickness bug. It kills me that I’m not appreaciated and my dedication is just ‘expected’. I feel disheartened and constantly question myself to why I bother. I’m working for minimal wage and gratuity tips that we only get twice a year, I just can’t help but think that the grass is greener on the other side.

Idealistically I’d love to be a burlesque performer but likewise, there’s not a big demand for strip-tease acts in the East Neuk. As it currently stands, I don’t have the funds to move away and since I’m in a 7 year relationship, it’s not like I can pack my bags and start a new life. For now my dreams have to take a back-seat, which I’m alright with, but I can’t help but think that next year, or the year after, that I’ll still be in the same position.

I’m not a jealous person but I find myself looking at those girls with the glamourous smiles and wishing I could be like them. I mean sure, tell me a joke and I’ll laugh but for the most part, I’ve got a default expressionless look. I can take a thousand photos and they will all have that same empty look in them. I unintentially give off a negative vibration which makes me unapproachable to most people. I’m socially awkward unless I’m around a group of friends that I’m comfortable with. I can’t help but wonder how I’ve got friends.

I’m working hard to become more positive but smiling will remain my hardest challenge. I try, believe me I try, but it looks forced and wrong. Perhaps I should accept that it’s just my nature to look like a miserable sod…

The tears, the hatred, the depression, it’s all caused by my messed-up hormones and what I can’t stand is the fact that I’m unable to control it. Yes, all girls have hormonal mood swings each month but mines are worse because of the artificial hormones that I have injected into my hind every three months to prevent pregnancy. The contraceptive injection seemed the ideal choice since I kept forgetting to pop the pill but as the years have passed, I’m quickly discovering that maybe it’s not. My period stopped about three years ago, a pro of the injection so you can imagine that I’m not too keen for them return. However, the injection is the cause of my weight gain and libido loss so I need to think logically towards other alternatives. I can’t handle these dragged on depressions and I know that they are pushing away those who are trying to help.

I can bang my head of a brick wall sometimes because although I’m writing all this to you, I know the solution but need to force myself to follow-through with them. To cure my problem is simple but in terms of realism, is a bit complex. I need to speak to girls who have the coil inserted, and are able to share their experience stories with me to help make my choice. My doctor offers no support to me and the online stories seem biased. I need real people, preferably around my age who can explain the procedure, their side effects both long and short-term. I want my hormones to be balanced, no weight-gain and for my periods to remain inactive. Think you can help me? Get in touch or leave a comment on this entry.

Surprisingly ranting about my problems has made me feel a lot better and more hopeful towards the future. The first step is always acknowledging the problem, right? Well, problems acknowledged. Next step, sorting the problem.